I put my foster dog Kiki (formerly "Lucky Dog") down on Saturday and it was one of the hardest euthanasia's I've had to do. I was really starting to bond with her and she was a vibrant loving dog. It seems that her confidence was growing faster than her fears were dissapating and that left little options for her rehabilitation and placement. Until this past weekend I had decided I was just going to keep her and give her the best home that I could for as long as I could. She was a loving little dog and had finally started to adjust to the indoors and loved being inside as long as the room did not contain a TV. She was never able to get over her fear of the moving shadows.
I hate her breeder, the person who robbed her of a normal life. The one who simply "forgot" about her and left her where she would get no socialization of any kind and no stimulation outside of her small chain link pen. No stimulation from other animals and no stimulation or interaction with people. She did not know anything that we take for granted as normal for a dog to know. Lack of stimulation during that most impressionable time in puppy hood. It's no wonder she broke down.
I feel like I failed that little dog. I think of her looking up at me with those sparkly dark eyes and a thump of her tail thanking me for bringing her home and it hurts to have done what I did. I wish there had been another way and I can't help feeling like a complete and utter failure for her. She wanted to live, she didn't want to die, the little sparkle in her eye told me so in those moments when she felt safe and could relax. I don't think she was born this way, I think she was made this way by the harsh conditions she had to live in devoid of any stimulation - suffering through the freezing winter, sweltering in a hot summer. She is a product of what was done to her. Rest in Peace Kiki, please forgive me. I won't forget you. I wish the person who intentionally brought you into this world could be held accountable. You weren't an accident, you were intentionally brought into this world and intentionally forgotten about, intentionally unwanted and intentionally discarded. Hopefully one day.